Speeches & Articles

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 14 November 2009

Q. I feel at an impasse in my life. I have no real career to speak of, no relationship and few very close friends; I live in a house shared with strangers. Should I pack my bags and go travelling in the hope that my life will become more exciting and I will discover something or someone I am passionate about while away? Or should I try to forge a better life here? Andrew, 28

A. No, I would not advise you to pack your bags and make your lonely way across the globe. Frankly, if you have the confidence and courage to even think of doing this, then you can do it just as well at home—reaching out, making friends and getting some purpose and shape into your life.
 
Rabbi Lionel Blue tells a great story about a man who goes to the synagogue and prays every week to win the lottery. In the end the Lord grows sick of this and tells the man: "The Lord helps those who help themselves." To this the man asks: "But what am I to do, oh Lord?" And His response: "For God's sake, buy a ticket!" Quite simply, you are of an age to be able to pick up the cudgel and get on with life. Why not return to learning and sign up for something that might catch your interest and give you a new lease of life in terms of future employment? It would be a great way to meet new people and get you out.

What about volunteering? There are endless opportunities and once you start to offer something to others I feel sure that you will start to value yourself, your self-esteem will rise and so will your attractiveness to those around you.

You say that you have only a few very close friends, but the truth is that not many people have more than three or four true friends. However, you could always consider contacting a dating agency. I have talked to men and women who have made lasting relationships in this way. And no, I haven't tried it myself, so no jokes about blind dates!

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 24 October 2009

Q. I have rights of access over my neighbour's driveway to my garage. We have used this driveway since we moved in eight years ago and never had a problem but, six months ago, we got a new neighbour who has installed lockable gates over the drive, blocking our access. We have tried talking to him but he simply says that it is his land and he can do what he wants. Is there any way of resolving this? Bryan, 58
 
A. The nub of the issue is what was agreed when you took over your home. This would apply regardless of whether you own, rent or lease the property because proper terms would have been agreed and laid down from the outset in relation to allowing proper access for purposes such as reaching a garage.

It is important that you re-establish your right to access by obtaining the deeds that clarified this when you moved in. If you do not have these, they are publicly held records and you have the legal right to access them. The Land Registry would help.

The deeds may rest with a solicitor, in which case you will need to make urgent contact. In so doing, you ought to clarify precisely what was agreed and how. If the solicitor did not build in the necessary safeguards in a way that would stand up to legal scrutiny, you would then have a case against the lawyer — contact the Law Society in the first instance.

My advice would be to write a stiff letter to your neighbour, indicating that your right of way was established some years ago and is a clear legal right, and that you intend to take legal action if he does not co-operate by either providing a key to the gates or by taking the gates down. Make it clear that you mean business. If your neighbour refuses to comply, it is crucial that you follow through — if not, you will lose your access rights for ever. It is a pity that, so often, normal neighbourly courtesies are reduced to this.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 10 October 2009

Q. My eight-year-old daughter is being bullied at school. So far it is low-level (name-calling and refusing to let her join in group games) but the school has had persistent problems with bullying in the past. How do I nip this in the bud? I have already spoken to staff, who promise "to keep an eye on things", but it is still going on. Ginny, 37

A. It is particularly worrying that the school has had continuing problems with bullying. The governing body, on which parents are represented, should have approved an anti-bullying policy and ought to be monitoring this and creating a culture and environment in which bullying is simply unthinkable.

I suggest that you determine who represents parents at the school, and ask to meet them with a view to conveying your concerns to the chairman of the governing body. If necessary, the matter (the issue more broadly and not your daughter's experience alone) could then be discussed at the next meeting.

If your daughter continues to have problems and adequate intervention is not forthcoming, you could approach the head teacher directly to explore what more might be done.

Bullying is always unacceptable, but I know as a father that name-calling does happen and that youngsters can be supported in dealing with this only if it does not become persistent and damaging. If you think that your daughter's experience is not manageable by encouraging the development of peer-group friendships and by ignoring those seeking to gain a reaction from her, the matter would have to be taken farther.

You need not think about moving your daughter to another school yet, but it is worth considering as an option because persistent problems can lead to school phobia and to a drop in self-confidence.

Kidscape (kidscape.org.uk) offers advice to children and parents alike on the issue and may be able to help.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 12 September 2009

Q. My little sister and I have always been very close, but at the moment our relationship is terrible. She has been trying for three years for a baby and her latest round of IVF has just failed. I realise that I am very lucky to have two children, but it seems I can do nothing right — if I talk to her about the children I'm gloating, if I don't mention them I'm patronising her. Short of magicking her a baby what can I do to get our close relationship back?
 
A. Magnanimity is the only way forward for you during this extremely tricky period of your sibling relationship. No matter how understanding you imagine you are being, your sister will never believe that you can truly empathise with her pain.

This may not be fair on you — deep down she will acknowledge she's being mean — but if she can't be angry with you, who else is there? To be fair to her, even if you think you understand the psychological torture of her failed IVF, it's impossible for you to appreciate the enormous physical price also being paid. Being pumped with hormones and prodded by medics is enough to drive any sane person to the edge. Also, you must be aware that your very presence is the starkest reminder of everything she is being denied. She will believe that you got the children that she deserves.

There is nothing for it but to grin and bear the injustice of it all and show her the mercy that really only a loving sibling can muster. If she shouts at you, just take it. Don't try to suggest that you can make everything better because, at this moment, you can't. In time practical offers may be worth proffering but don't be disappointed if she flings your generosity back at you. If she never succeeds in getting pregnant through IVF, you can support her as she explores alternatives.

One day she will find the strength and courage to thank you. Your job right now is to soak up her anger while sticking angelically by her side.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 29 August 2009

Q. I persuaded my husband to move to the other end of the country to be nearer to where I grew up and where my family still live. He found a new job, we bought a lovely house but ... I hate it here. I don't get on with my family now that I see them a lot, the weather is terrible, our village is dull and I feel trapped at home with our baby. I can't bear to broach the subject of relocating but it's all I think about - what can I do? Julia, 29

A. Well, I'm afraid you really are in a pickle. You need to ask yourself some fairly searching questions. For instance, what did you want to achieve when you moved in the first place? Was it really to be nearer your relatives or was it nostalgia for the past? I ask only because the grass will always be greener if you have not determined what it is that you really want.

If you are going to move, the question that follows is: what are you looking for on this occasion? If it's for substantially better weather then you are going to have to move abroad. If it's for more friends and an escape from the family, then remember that friends don't grow on trees, no matter where you are. With all relationships, you only get out of them what you're prepared to put in. However, one option could be to consider moving to a new home that is sufficiently far from your family to ease the pressure but close enough that your husband could remain in his employment - important, given that this is not the moment for trying to change jobs.

There are two other questions that you need to answer. First, in your current location, what is the outlook for your child, whose prospects for a safe and happy upbringing are obviously crucial? Second, having dragged your husband from your original home, are you prepared to ask him to do it all over again?And while considering all this, keep asking yourself: "Will the grass really be greener?"

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 15 August 2009

Q. We are seriously in debt, and have no idea what to do. My husband and I have eight credit cards between us, which have reached their limit, and our joint bank account is overdrawn by £10,000. He has a good job, but his company is making redundancies (I’m a full-time mum). We have no savings and a large mortgage. My husband says it will be fine, but I feel afraid of the future. How do I get back control over our finances? Marianne, 35

A. The first thing to say is, albeit that I’ve been holding advice surgeries for the past 39 years, that I’m not your best bet in terms of financial advice — you need professional expertise. However, I would advise that you don’t take any advice from the unsolicited and often fraudulent offers of advice from automated telephone marketing operations, which seemingly offer the blissful concept of wiping out debt at a stroke. The Government has been attempting to close such lines because they are an absolute menace. In the meantime, you should avoid having anything to do with them.

I suggest that it is crucial that you consolidate your debt. The more credit cards that people hold the more danger there is of debt leading to financial disaster. One option might be to take advice on extending your mortgage, using it to clear the remainder of the debt. Then, as difficult as it is, reduce your outgoings to get back to equilibrium.

Of course this is a tough decision and easier said than done, but it is vital. Many people are in exactly your situation in relation to the risk of unemployment and with what appeared to be manageable borrowing suddenly seeming to be a genuine threat. In the end, of course, any debt becomes a nightmare if your income diminishes substantially — that is why this is the moment to seek professional advice.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 25 July 2009

Q. My husband was made redundant seven weeks ago. He has recently been offered a job at a much lower grade — I feel that he should take it, but he says that it is a dead end and he should hold out for something better. In the meantime I am working full time plus any overtime I can get to keep the house running and am feeling extremely frustrated. Doesn't he understand that there's a recession on? Jennifer, 35

A. Over the past few decades the world has changed a great deal. Many women are breadwinners and many men are adjusting to a different social and family role but — crucially — by agreement. For many men these changing dynamics can lead to feelings of inadequacy. As a result, my first instinct is to advise "give the guy a break".

I was one of the very few people who, with the exception of a couple of passages, didn't find the film The Full Monty (based in my beloved Sheffield) funny. Quite simply, it displayed the denigration of male pride, self-esteem and confidence.

I suspect that you are witnessing these emotions in your husband. It is much more than a lack of willingness to go out to work; instead, it concerns pride in a particular type of job and income, and therefore in the comparison with your own income. It may seem daft, but these are natural emotions.

Clearly if other jobs come up and they are refused it is likely that your frustration will grow. Then it would be worth finding the time to talk through specifically what is behind the refusal to take a lower-paid and, presumably, less prestigious job — as well as your concerns about your shared future.

If the softly-softly approach doesn't work, why not try a little strongarm tactics? After all, "he (or, in this case, she) who pays the piper calls the tune" and, speaking as a bit of an old-fashioned male, women have always had the upper hand!

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 4 July 2009

Q. I work in an IT department where a high proportion of staff have no social skills or manners, which makes life miserable for the rest of us. What can we do about the constant mindless noise, poor personal hygiene and anger management issues that blight our day? Our managers are either too busy or too inexperienced to intervene. Graham, 42
 
A. It says a great deal that you don't have a sufficiently robust relationship with, or confidence in, the management team to be able to approach them with your very legitimate concerns. Good management (and they would have spotted it already if they were good) would want to root this out in order to foster an environment that generates an efficient and positive approach to work, and therefore a much better delivery of service for customers.

There were, in the past, IT companies that tried to present a lack of any kind of formal management structure and the development of bizarre working practices as somehow conducive to innovation and imagination. Most have got over this.

In your case, however, there are three possible ways forward. The first is to leave — it's clearly not an atmosphere for either good productivity or a happy working life.

The second is to identify whether others in the workplace feel as you do. Strength in numbers would better able you to approach the perpetrators in a reasonable and open manner to ask whether they would be prepared to modify their behaviour.

The third is to approach the more senior management levels with a specific complaint. In this case, you would need to keep a record of what has happened and how frequently — particularly because the occasional swear word or socially unacceptable personal habit would not constitute grounds for management intervention. However, if behaviour was so intense that it effectively constituted bullying in the workplace, you would be on much firmer ground.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 20 June 2009

Q. My son dropped out of his second year of university 15 months ago and moved back home. Since then he has had a couple of seasonal jobs, but mostly he hasn't worked. Until he went to university, he always seemed cheerful, bright and motivated, but he has become indifferent to his future and to us. He pleads tiredness every time I try to interest him in something and he rarely goes out. I am terribly worried about him and his prospects. Simon, 52

A. There are so many worried parents in your situation — with youngsters who have either started out on the wrong course in their university life, or who have suddenly found that it wasn't for them.

What is slightly unusual here is that your son reached his second year before dropping out. This would indicate that he was coping both academically and socially, but that something happened, resulting in him losing interest and commitment.

On the occasions when I've come across this before, it's been the intervention of a friend, or sometimes finding a new girlfriend or boyfriend, which has suddenly provided an impetus for looking to the future. Does he have any friends whocould help him to reconnect? It would be sensible to persuade him to see his GP on the off chance that he has a supportable condition, such as ME. Cognitive therapy can also help those who have become depressed and are afraid of facing challenges or taking risks.

Encouraging him to think about returning to education would also be a really positive step.

But here's the difficult bit. He needs to show a willingness to reconnect. At the moment he knows that you are going to be there supporting him — emotionally and financially. So are you prepared to get tough with him? Tough love means the difficult step of challenging him to take responsibility for himself.

Problem panel

Published: Saturday Times, 16 May 2009

Q. My road is a rat run and there are frequent road-rage incidents. Cars tear down in both directions, but when they meet there is room for only one to get through at a time, so pandemonium often ensues, with both refusing to budge and fights breaking out. It is obvious to residents that it should be made one-way, but how can we make the local council see sense? Eleanor, 53

A. This is a nightmare. I have recent experience of banging my head against a brick wall trying to help people who have been worried about speeding traffic — although government proposals for tighter speed limits in residential areas should help. Getting the council to think radically, however, is like pushing water uphill.

I recommend an incremental approach, ratcheting up the ante as each stage has been tried. First, determine whether closing one end of the road altogether, or simply making it one-way, would work best. Then organise a petition to the local council, and MP, and ask local councillors to hold a meeting to convey the strength of feeling held.

While a meeting should work, if not there's always peaceful direct action. You'd need to think of something fairly moderate — perhaps the whole of the street agreeing to block off one end themselves for a limited period of time — ensuring that the police know that this is a responsible demonstration of limited duration.

In any case, if vehicles are exceeding the speed limit and causing danger the police ought to be interested in taking action — a point in your favour.

Finally, if other areas of the immediate community are experiencing problems in relation to traffic management and are being ignored, you might consider standing as a candidate in the local elections. I think you might find that the local councillors will pull their finger out once they realise that their position is challenged. We all like to hold our seats!